Post by emilyjade on Feb 22, 2014 6:01:12 GMT -6
The first part is an introduction, I'm Emily and never know what to write about myself!
The second part of this thread is an apology with an explanation, I am truly sorry for disapearing without explaining why and if I upset anyone into thinking that I didn't care or didn't want to know any of you because that is not the case at all. I will breifly explain here without going into too much detail of the hows and whys because a lot of it is still very raw to me, and some things are better left unshared. Some of the content may be triggering or upsetting so here is a trigger warning for that before I start. I also do not want pity, sympathy or anything of those sorts I just think people deserve an explanation and a massive apology.
I gave birth to my amazingly beautiful, intelligent little girl on the 19th of November 2012, after a horrible traumatic pregnancy where she was almost stillborn. the first few days were amazing. I was walking on air, absolutely in love with life and this little person that I had made. After a few days I felt down and useless, I was told "it's okay, it's the baby blues, it happens when sleep deprivation catches up on you" weeks went by and I felt no better. If anything I felt lower and no one was interested because I was a new mother and it was normal.
I went 4 months without any help or any understanding into the way I felt. Kept my feelings bottled up in case anyone thought I couldn't cope and looked down on me or judged me. The truth was when my baby cried I wanted to throw her up the wall so she'd just shut up and leave me alone, I thought about dropping her in the bath full of water or when I was on a bus I'd think of just getting off at the next stop and leaving her on the bus so that she'd go away and I wouldn't have to deal with any of these thoughts or feelings any more. I was exhausted of them, I felt guilty of them. I didn't want to ruin her life. I had these thoughts from her being around a month old to her being around 9 or 10 months old plus. I sometimes think horrible things still now she's 15 months old but I know that I would never do any of them. Where as before I didn't and couldn't trust myself because I didn't know what I would or wanted to do. I couldn't even tell you if I loved her - beause I don't think I did.
I was a paranoid irrational mess, I didn't want any one touching her, feeding her, bathing, dressing, playing, holding her. If anyone picked her up I'd scream at them and hit out at them, I'd take her away and sit somewhere else with her just staring at her because I didn't know what else to do. Didn't know what I'd done. How could I have ruined everyones, including her, lives like this? To this day she's never spent more than 5 hours away from me because I can't stand it. I was so scared she was going to die all the time. I was also ridiculously paranoid of anyone I didn't know looking at her or talking to or even about her. I wouldn't even leave the house in case anyone looked at or touched her hand or anything. Hense why I seemed to delete everyone off all of social networking etc. It wasn't because I didn't care, it was because I was really mentally ill and was scared. It used to make me feel sick and panicky that any one could see her.
I've been through various doctors, nurses, therapies, strategy classes - you name it I've tried it. Slowly I am getting better, but I'm still not better. I still fight demons in my head. I've had a lot of push backs. a lot of push backs. I've had relationship and family problems. Our house was making us ill it was full of black mould that we just couldn't get rid of but we couldn't afford to move. HUGE financial problems because supporting 3 people and bills and living expenses on 1 income is bloody hard work and very stressful.
Please don't take it the wrong way that I'm an unfit mother in any way because I know I'm not, I now have help and support and slowly I'm rebuilding parts of my life that I had destroyed myself. Trying to rebuild relationships with people that I pushed away when I needed them.
I'm so glad that those dark horrible times in my life haven't affected my daughter in any way shape or form, She is happy, healthy and an amazing little girl and I couldn't wish for a better little person to share my life with.
I still have awful days and now my daily battles consist of guilt and anger towards myself for feeling that way and ruining the first year of our lives together and ruining the chance for proper bonding. but I'm getting there. I just want my friends back.
I've been talking to Ari who told me about here and I'm glad that I could explain, but its okay if you don't want me here.
The second part of this thread is an apology with an explanation, I am truly sorry for disapearing without explaining why and if I upset anyone into thinking that I didn't care or didn't want to know any of you because that is not the case at all. I will breifly explain here without going into too much detail of the hows and whys because a lot of it is still very raw to me, and some things are better left unshared. Some of the content may be triggering or upsetting so here is a trigger warning for that before I start. I also do not want pity, sympathy or anything of those sorts I just think people deserve an explanation and a massive apology.
I gave birth to my amazingly beautiful, intelligent little girl on the 19th of November 2012, after a horrible traumatic pregnancy where she was almost stillborn. the first few days were amazing. I was walking on air, absolutely in love with life and this little person that I had made. After a few days I felt down and useless, I was told "it's okay, it's the baby blues, it happens when sleep deprivation catches up on you" weeks went by and I felt no better. If anything I felt lower and no one was interested because I was a new mother and it was normal.
I went 4 months without any help or any understanding into the way I felt. Kept my feelings bottled up in case anyone thought I couldn't cope and looked down on me or judged me. The truth was when my baby cried I wanted to throw her up the wall so she'd just shut up and leave me alone, I thought about dropping her in the bath full of water or when I was on a bus I'd think of just getting off at the next stop and leaving her on the bus so that she'd go away and I wouldn't have to deal with any of these thoughts or feelings any more. I was exhausted of them, I felt guilty of them. I didn't want to ruin her life. I had these thoughts from her being around a month old to her being around 9 or 10 months old plus. I sometimes think horrible things still now she's 15 months old but I know that I would never do any of them. Where as before I didn't and couldn't trust myself because I didn't know what I would or wanted to do. I couldn't even tell you if I loved her - beause I don't think I did.
I was a paranoid irrational mess, I didn't want any one touching her, feeding her, bathing, dressing, playing, holding her. If anyone picked her up I'd scream at them and hit out at them, I'd take her away and sit somewhere else with her just staring at her because I didn't know what else to do. Didn't know what I'd done. How could I have ruined everyones, including her, lives like this? To this day she's never spent more than 5 hours away from me because I can't stand it. I was so scared she was going to die all the time. I was also ridiculously paranoid of anyone I didn't know looking at her or talking to or even about her. I wouldn't even leave the house in case anyone looked at or touched her hand or anything. Hense why I seemed to delete everyone off all of social networking etc. It wasn't because I didn't care, it was because I was really mentally ill and was scared. It used to make me feel sick and panicky that any one could see her.
I've been through various doctors, nurses, therapies, strategy classes - you name it I've tried it. Slowly I am getting better, but I'm still not better. I still fight demons in my head. I've had a lot of push backs. a lot of push backs. I've had relationship and family problems. Our house was making us ill it was full of black mould that we just couldn't get rid of but we couldn't afford to move. HUGE financial problems because supporting 3 people and bills and living expenses on 1 income is bloody hard work and very stressful.
Please don't take it the wrong way that I'm an unfit mother in any way because I know I'm not, I now have help and support and slowly I'm rebuilding parts of my life that I had destroyed myself. Trying to rebuild relationships with people that I pushed away when I needed them.
I'm so glad that those dark horrible times in my life haven't affected my daughter in any way shape or form, She is happy, healthy and an amazing little girl and I couldn't wish for a better little person to share my life with.
I still have awful days and now my daily battles consist of guilt and anger towards myself for feeling that way and ruining the first year of our lives together and ruining the chance for proper bonding. but I'm getting there. I just want my friends back.
I've been talking to Ari who told me about here and I'm glad that I could explain, but its okay if you don't want me here.
♥