Choosing to be alone??

I have a feeling I really am going to be "forever alone", and it's going to be by my own choice.
Except, not really.

OF COURSE I'D LIKE TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.
Of course I'd love to have somebody to kiss and just touch and talk to and laugh with and entrust everything in.

I'm just scared.

I always get embarrassed when I tell people I've never been in a relationship because it seems like the normal thing nowadays. 
In my experience people started dating in elementary school, and even (ESPECIALLY) back then, the thought was really scary to me. 
And obviously it wasn't all super serious in elementary school and stuff, but god it just felt like everyone was so ahead of me and were doing "things" I was scared to think about doing.

If I tell people that I haven't been in a relationship and don't think I will be, they go into assurance mode like
"Oh of course you will! You will find someone, you just have to wait for the right person who does blah blah blah" "It's perfectly acceptable, you don't have to date unless you feel ready" etcetc but ugh I don't know how to tell those people, how to explain what exactly I'm feeling and why I feel like I can't.

I have trust issues. I have self esteem issues. I have way too many issues in general.]
I feel like there are things wrong with me.

I'm just really scared to let someone in.
Especially because I don't feel like there are any people around here that would be understanding and slow and all of that.

It's not like I haven't been asked out before, and it's not like I have never considered saying yes to those people just because.

I don't want to settle.
I also don't want to seem like my expectations are super high when I'm not a prize or anything to begin with.

But I just 
don't
want
to
settle

I don't want to date just to date like a lot of people around me do.
I was something meaningful and lASTING and not something for fun for a month and then we go our separate ways because I DON'T THINK I COULD DO THAT.
I GET ATTACHED. REALLY EASILY. If I were to get used to someone everyday and then they left, I literally would not know what to do and how to go on.
It would throw me COMPLETELY off balance and mess everything up.

I'm scared of being pressured into sex.
I want sex, but I don't want someone to EXPECT sex from me.
I don't want to feel like there has to be a time where I finally give it up because THAT'S WHAT BOYFRIENDS AND GIRLFRIENDS DO oh we've been dating for so long, when are we going to do stuff???
And I know there are supposedly people out there not like that, but it seems everyone I am actually INTERESTED in, IS. 

That's the thing, nobody I'm interested in ever seems interested in me.
And when they are, I get upset because it makes me really self conscious and makes me pick myself apart and tell myself all the reasons they shouldn't or wouldn't like me.

I'm sick of this. I'm sick of overthinking this when it's supposed to be natural and all of that.

I know relationships are supposed to be fun. But goddamn if they aren't scary to me. And I know they shouldn't be!! I know they aren't all serious!! I'M JUST REALLY SCARED.

I'm afraid of breaking up. I'm afraid of being broken up with and not being able to deal with it,
or wanting to break up and not knowing what to say or how to do it. I'm afraid of breaking up with someone and them using things against me.

I know there are plenty of people who have never been in relationships and there is nothing wrong with them and they're beautiful and just overall great packages and they don't' see anything wrong with it,
they usually have reasons like 'i wasn't allowed to date' or 'I didn't see anyone I liked' and nobody thinks twice about it.

But I just feel like it wouldn't be the same for me.

I'm just scared.
I don't wanna be scared.

I feel like i'll always push everyone away that tries to get close. 
I feel like I've accepted the fact that I'll be alone forever, and that I'm the one that will make it so.